nursing breasts

(upbeat music) - hi, i'm hannah, yourfriendly neighborhood wine mom and if you're anything like me, you believe that a glassof wine at eight p.m. makes you a better mom,so pour yourself a glass and let's talk. i'm super into these littlepersonal size bottles lately, especially of bubbly. this is prosecco and usuallywhen you open a whole bottle,

you kinda need to finish it because the bubbles goaway and then it's gross, but not when you have these little fools. i don't think these have a cork. i gotta use a blanket for this. oh. hey. so there's a topic that'sbeen running pretty rampant on facebook and i don't understand

why it's so controversial, but we're gonna talk about it tonight. so let's discuss the worstparts about breastfeeding. fair warning, i am pro breastfeeding, so if you don't likeit, you've been warned. you don't have to watch this. you can close it and go on with your day and not leave a crappy comment, thanks. so first judgy people,

i don't understand whyother people who either don't have children atall or don't breastfeed involve themselves inthis breastfeeding debate. like for example, this guy thati'm friends with on facebook who doesn't have any children posted a status that said, just saw a mom nursing on the subway. too much? i think so.

and i saw that and i was like, all right mommy time. first of all, that mom isnursing her child on the subway for the benefit of everyone around her so they don't have to dealwith a shrieking banshee for the entire subway ride. second, a mom can'tdetermine when her child is going to be hungry. i would like to see you try reasoning

with a newborn. no, now is not the timethat you're allowed to eat. you're gonna have to waittill mom's at home alone in privacy. good luck. also, people act is if womengo to breastfeed their kids and are just like breastfeeding time. everyone's husband gather round. time for the booby show.

like, no. the goal is not to givesomeone a free show and the amount of breastthat actually shows is like a bikini. so if you're cool going to the beach and not going up to women, like how indecent of you. leave the breastfeeding mom alone. the whole point of breastsare to feed children

and if you can't separatewhat the breast's actual function is from whatyou would like them to be, maybe you shouldn't be in public at all. i can't believe that this is even a thing that people get mad about. end rant. it's hard to drink this quickly. that's my only issue. next, the ever changing girls.

i would buy bras andone hour they would fit and then the next hour they'd be too small and then the next hour they'd be too big and then the next hourthey would fit again. they're changing in size every hour based on how much milk there is and then when they're too full, they just pour milk everywhere. i can't even tell you how many times

i was having a conversation with a person and their eyes just slowly went like. and it's because my shirt was soaked. like i had two big wet balls. come on. like i would get to the point of just like shoving paper towels in there. i was like a high schooler again. just like stuffing mybra with paper towels.

nothing to see here. don't touch 'em 'cause it'll crinkle. i'm really grateful to be pastthe whole breastfeeding phase because now my breastscan go back to the way that they once were, whichapparently is nothing. cheers to what they once were. next, pumping. if you ever were wonderingwhat the life is like as a dairy cow, have a baby and pump.

hee haw, hee haw, hee haw. after all the advances in technology, you'd think that these pumps would be a little bit quiet. why are the pumps still so goddamn loud? one time we were camping. so i'm trying todiscretely pump in our tent and everybody's likewhat the heck is that? hee haw, hee haw.

is she drilling something in there? like what hee haw, hee haw. they have these cups that go over and they're like these littlecones that you stick over and they like yank your boobs in and out. i made the biggest mistakeof looking at myself in the mirror while i was pumping once. (groaning) it's not pretty.

next, the thirst is real. with both of my kids, theweirdest thing happened. every time i went to nursethem and they latched i would just get like beyond thirsty. like deserted island, haven't had water in three days thirsty. i never had the thought to be like, oh i should probably get some water and like leave it nearme for when i'm nursing.

once your kid latches it's like game over, you're stuck for a good half an hour. so i'd try to signalmy husband, like matt. matt. and i'm pretty sure it's areflex that your body has to make sure that you'rehydrating while you're nursing because making breastmilk takes so much water. so if this has happened to you, please leave it in the comments

because i'm super confusedabout it to this day and i wanna know that i'm not alone. (burps) oh, there it is. so last, the end. when it's time to wean your child, it is a bundle of mixed emotions. you're happy to have your boobs back. you're sad because then your child

is not depending on you anymore. my first child nursed forever and it got to a point where i had to say you're eating like threeadult size meals a day. it's time. and then with my youngest,he was exclusively breastfed until he was eight months oldand then i got a full-time job and i just had to quit cold turkey because being a workingmom is really tough

and then trying to pump ontop of it is even tougher. i was the one who suffered more from that because i just felt so badly about it. he didn't really care. he was like, milk's in abottle today, all right. after both of those experiences, i realized that no matterhow my baby is getting fed, as long as he's being fed, that's good and i'm doing a good job.

and for any moms out there who are struggling with breastfeeding or who have had to stop breastfeeding or who couldn't from the start, you're doing fine too, but if you are a person who's gonna judge a mother for nursing, just know that she isnot doing it for anything besides the soul purposeof benefiting her child.

so either give her a high five or walk on by. so that's all i got for today. i'm hannah your friendlyneighborhood wine mom and if you've had anyexperience breastfeeding or lack thereof, leave it in the comments because this couch, this is a safe place. i wanna hear about everyone's experience and i don't want anybody to feel judged.

and i'm gonna enjoy the restof my little personal bottle of champagne. it's so cute, while i still can. while i still can. oh that sounds like i'm getting-- i'm not getting pregnant, stop. kevin, don't give me that look. kevin's behind the camera like. not having any babies soon.

so i'm going to finish mylittle cute bottle of champagne because i can and 'cause i earned it. and this one is for all of youwomen breastfeeding out there and all of you pregnant women out there 'cause i know a lot ofpregnant women watch this and this one's for you and assoon as you pop that baby out come over and have a glass with me. till next time. (moaning)

please include this just so everyone knows how pretty i am.